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12.26.2002

By the way, the play below is loosely based on a true story.
A play in one act.

"MY DAY SO FAR"

Cast
Blonde, WASP-y mother
Me

Setting: Atlanta History Center exhibition hallway. Present.
Scene: Winter art crafts table. Children run amok with holiday hysteria. Parents stare faraway, vacant, empty.

WASP: Exactly what is Kwanzaa?
Me: Well, Kwanzaa is a celeb--
WASP: SHUTUP YOU.

The end.

Thank you. Thank you very much.


File this one under Forbidden Love:

E-mail Sent
please win the lottery so i don't have to work anymore.

thank you.

l,
g

E-mail Received
I, too, am giving up. I will cease to work to become Stevie Wonder's
girlfriend and thereby be in the money. I help you where I am able.

L,

M

Yes, folks, this man is indeed the love of my life.

12.24.2002

Blog quote of the season:

"fat people like christmas. a whole lot."

Thanks to The Internet Superstar for that bit of comedic genius.

At any rate, Happy Birthday to my sister, Jamie D. Sorry you get the shaft every year for that Xmas eve/ birthday present/party combo.

Christmas drives people insane. For real. People were driving like waaaaaaaaay faster than normal on the Connector this morning. I almost died like 4 times. Really. People were just weaving in and out. Speeding. Psychotic grins on many a Mary Kay face.

Also, I noticed that kids are pretty much greedy little f**ks for most of the year, but, man, around Christmas they are like freaking dingos! All roaming and salivating. They frighten me. They do. And children singing? Don't get me started.

Has anyone heard of "The Christmas Shoe"? I am having a hard time believing that this actually exists. It's just too surreal.



12.22.2002

AN ESSAY ON THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Oh, the joys of the holiday season. The cha-ching of the cash register here at the store, the ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip of the credit card machine. The super-high-maintenance-"i'm-unaware-of-your-presence"-i-don't-know-the-name-of-the-book-or-the-author-but-the-cover-has-a-man-on-it-last-minute-non-literate-Christmas-shopper. I'm just so glad we're not attaching the name of Christ to this holiday anymore, except of course for the word "Christmas", which has now become synonymous with "massive credit card debt". I, naturally, have purchased gifts with cold hard bling-bling cash, making me part of this mass-consumerism and disgusting display of wealth that makes the rest of the world hate us so much. But more on that later. Right now, I want to talk about the super-high-maintenance-"i'm-unaware-of-your-presence"-i-don't-know-the-name-of-the-book-or-the-author-but-the-cover-has-a-man-on-it-last-minute-non-literate-Christmas-shopper.

I can't tell you how I despise these people. Read through this check list and ask yourself these questions to make sure you are not one of THEM. Because if you are, you are a worthless human being, regardless of what your credit limit is.

1. Upon entering a store, do you immediately walk up to the counter/register area and over other patiently waiting customers demand item after item, forcing the poor, underpaid, mistreated clerk to become your personal shopper? Forget it. I'm going to "point" you in the general area and wave you away because I don't particularly give a good gddamn if your controlling bitch of wife gets the latest in Jan Karon's f***ing whitebread easy-to-read Mitford series. I don't care.

2. Do you prefer to assume, out of all the hundreds and thousands of pieces of inventory (in my case, books), that I personally have read them all or somehow should have read them all or that I can pull a Miss Cleo and read your gddamn mind, even if it is mostly empty or full of your typical bullshit keeping-up-with-the-Joneses attitude?

3. Do you charge a $3 magazine to your American Express card, knowing (or maybe not knowing) that you are paying 18% interest on a gddamn People magazine, which will actually end up costing you an extra dollar or so and that's if and only if you pay off the balance every month, which most Americans don't do anyway, but in reality you only pay the minimum balance and that $3 magazine keeps adding up interest to your already average $8000 of credit card debt and that in all likelihood you will end up paying interest and never principal and in turn that principal keeps producing more and more f***ing interest until you have to resort to debt consolidation or another mortgage on your overpriced typical-Jones home all for a gddamn mindless People magazine!?!?

4. Have you ever talked on your stupid cell phone while at the same time asking a clerk impossible questions with answers that will go repeated and still unheard because you've got Muffy on the other line? You f***ing mindless bitch. Get your aerobicized ass back in Daddy's Mercedes.

5. Have you ever put the workerbee through a frantic search for an item, only to discover the item is a shocking $24.95 and then refused to buy, while openly and loudly complaining about the price to the only person in the company with absolutely no power to change it? Then sped off alone in your oversized, gasguzzling Expedition? You, sir, are a damn fool, and you can bet the poor, stupid workerbees laughed at your cavalier bullshit.

6. Do you ever wait until Christmas Eve (or the night before any major gift-giving day) to purchase what is possibly and most likely the most popular and over-hyped item in the entire world, or at least yours, only to discover that HORROR OF HORRORS! it is so damn popular with your set that you have to special order it and unbelievably it might take a few days because regardless of how f***ing special and important you are the actual act of placing and order and waiting (oh dear god, the waiting) for it to arrive is the same for EVERYONE. There is no rush delivery for you. There just isn't, so don't ask. OH GOD THE SMACK REALITY OF LIMITS!

7. Have you ever once asked anyone, not just the store clerk, how their day has been? Have you? And if you have, have you ever listened to their answer? Have you looked into the bleary eyes of the overextended holiday worker to say "Thank you" or "You've been a great help" or "You've made my ___________'s Christmas"? Because you really should. You really, really should.

With all the powerlessness a store clerk has, we can just as easily make your shopping experience a painful, dismal one because sincerely, we don't particularly give a good gddamn if you ever come back to this store, no matter what the policy or adage is. YOU, Customer, are NOT always right and most probably WRONG. We could care less if your overdeveloped and undereducated kid gets that latest mindless teen bauble, or if we don't have what the New York Times Book Review calls "a powerhouse". Go to Barnes & Noble. Go to Borders. I DON'T CARE.

That's not all, but it's all I can handle for now, because the joy of the Christmas holiday is giving me a headache.

Cheers.


12.20.2002

What's the deal with kitties? Every forward I get these days is cat-oriented.
Hammer of the gods

12.19.2002

HOLY F***ING COW!


12.17.2002

That's one Dirty f***ing Bunny:

ThECranKbuNNy: hello
DrBenSobel: This is Dr. Sobel from the film, "Analyze That". I am an interactive agent brought to you by Warner Bros. As long as they're footing the bill, you may as well relax and tell me a little about yourself. I guess this is for entertainment purposes only. If you'd feel more comfortable, you can type "Privacy" to read the Privacy Policy.

ThECranKbuNNy: are you nude?
DrBenSobel: Should I care about this?
ThECranKbuNNy: i don't know
DrBenSobel: Lets not get carried away.
ThECranKbuNNy: you tell me
DrBenSobel: What?
ThECranKbuNNy: what?
DrBenSobel: What, already!
ThECranKbuNNy: keep talking shit
DrBenSobel: So much for small miracles. Will you go see the film already?
ThECranKbuNNy: no
DrBenSobel: O.K. then. Go see my movie.
ThECranKbuNNy: NO!
DrBenSobel: Um, Wayne Gretsky.
ThECranKbuNNy: oh shut up
DrBenSobel: Can't take it, huh?
ThECranKbuNNy: idiot
DrBenSobel: Am not.
ThECranKbuNNy: are to
DrBenSobel: Look, it's pretty simple; I know some things. You ask me some sensible questions. I try to answer them. Try to spell things correctly and keep to a context like, say, "Analyze That". [You know, the entire reason that we are here chatting?] If that does not help you then I guess you can just try asking me a different way.
ThECranKbuNNy: here's a question...
DrBenSobel: Quit kvetching and try to make some sense.
ThECranKbuNNy: you're a gotdamn racist ed. note: i don't think that's a question.
DrBenSobel: Nice mouth.
ThECranKbuNNy: i try
DrBenSobel: O.K. Why did you type that? What does that mean anyway? Try to be a little more constructive. Type 'main' if it's really that complicated.
ThECranKbuNNy: suck me
DrBenSobel: Language.
ThECranKbuNNy: hmph
DrBenSobel: Sorry, I was meditating for a moment there. What was that?
ThECranKbuNNy: that was my seed across your wife's lips
DrBenSobel: Haken a tsheinik.
ThECranKbuNNy: is that russian?
DrBenSobel: In all my years as an analyst, I've never heard anything phrased, um, quite that way. Can you try making a little more sense? Feel free to take some time to collect your thoughts.
ThECranKbuNNy: you're a moron
DrBenSobel: You keep making the same mistakes. Is this a pattern for you? We can work on it, type 'Home' and we can start the process.
ThECranKbuNNy: i'm done w/ you
DrBenSobel: Nice typing. Note to self: exhibits poor motor skills, lack of attention to detail.
ThECranKbuNNy: bastard
DrBenSobel: Oh, such a big shot! **** this and *** that. Clearly you have problems with your mother.

12.16.2002

Overthrow Pending?


Currently enjoying:

John Prine Picture Show - The Missing Years

Currently hating:

The white man's holiday* and their music.

* ©Tmaines

AIM Quote of the Day:

CranKbuNNy: due to financial reasons i won't be avaiable via phone until after the holidays

Without AIM, life would be a lot less funny.

Pure text formats can be tricky. And hilarious! It's usually not what is actually said on AIM, although some words and phrases are hilarious by their own right. No, really, it's more my own imaginings of how these things are being said. Anyway, it's hard to explain in THIS particular pure text format. Colors and HTML tags can really only do so much.

12.14.2002

I am really so uninspired these days. Not at all inspired to write, work, or really even see people. What is this slight anti-social behavior? Getting old. I truly, honestly want to sit at home tonight and watch Al Gore on SNL. Truly.

What a sight.
Currently enjoying: The Best of Friends on DVD
and Clem Snide - Messiah Complex Blues - Your Favorite Music
YES!
"PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean?"


What Office Space character are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

COMMENTS HAVE BEEN ADDED.

Thank you.

12.03.2002

Oh, and I forgot:

Currently enjoying: World War II research


Quote of the day:

"Come party with old people...who don't know you." - K. Ken Johnston, re: an invitation to the History Center Docent 'Party'


Okay, there's big news in the ATL:


First, regarding this bastard's apparent double duty. He's really become a confused bi. Some quotes:


AIM Conversation with Hotdamn


hotdamndoyle: march up to his house w/ men in black suits & sunglasses
hotdamndoyle: remove his wallet, then the card, then shred it & burn it....walk away in disgust
hotdamndoyle: wait, not black suits....very loud suits
workerbee818: you mean "ghey" suits
hotdamndoyle: blahahaha
hotdamndoyle: yes
hotdamndoyle: exactly what i meant


AIM Conversation with ChezPink


CheZPinKDnB: so you HEARD
workerbee818: i did
CheZPinKDnB: that the ghey got a bone
CheZPinKDnB: i'm so appalled
workerbee818: EXACTLY
CheZPinKDnB: i feel threatened now
workerbee818: i really sent a note to m and said "i am shocked and appalled."
CheZPinKDnB: like he's undressing me w/ his eyes
CheZPinKDnB: hahahahaha
workerbee818: LMAO
workerbee818: like, who's next?
CheZPinKDnB: he's a faux gay
CheZPinKDnB: exactly


Email from Daddy G


"Uhh.....I am nonplussed."


My response:
workerbee818: uuuuuuuuuggghhhh - you get boners for chicks now


Freak. Stay tuned. Next week, he goes Republican.


Anyway, on a totally unrelated note, I met David Cross on Saturday and completely dorked out. The conversation was so unpleasant and, really, it was "anti-funny". Much like Gallagher. It was so unpleasant that I have decided NOT to post any portion of it and actually I drank until I blacked out so as to erase the ugliness from my mind...although unfortunately, all that Paulaner only enhanced the fact that I was a complete nerd. I think I actually spooked him. I did.


I am ashamed.


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