I don't hate my country

I would not live anywhere else. My people are fucking from here.

But you know what? I get very pissed off with those stupid fucking Americans who criticize and ban the DIXIE CHICKS for exercising a fully legal right granted in the First Amendment -- and what is in all actuality the thing that MAKES this country what it is -- but will let the pedophile / child molester / statutory rapist R. KELLY have not just one but TWO fucking songs in the Billboard Top 100 and continue to buy his albums.

Apparently, you can say whatever you want here, but you'll end up apologizing for it profusely after you do. And when you make the decision to have sex with 13-year-old girls you get fucking platinum albums.

People are fucked up. Tell all your friends.


Let me tell you something...

Texas is everything you think it is. And more. Take that however you want it.

Also, Hotdamn Doyle got fucking CANNED from his job yesterday afternoon, with nary a minute to blog his anger away. So, I've been asked to let you know he'll be offline for awhile until he either finds a free internet connection or gets another job that lets him screw around all day.

That's all I have for now. I may blog something deep and meaningful later, or more likely angry...as there is SO MUCH SHIT going on with me, but at this time I haven't the strength to repeat it all again.

Missed you all, too. Thanks for thinking of me.



I am going out of town to the "great" state of Texas, and I linked some site without even checking it, but I'm sure Texas has all links covered. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat any rate. I'll be in Texas and probably won't be updating for at least 9 days, so miss me, love me, think about me, and keep on keepin' on. Fools.



There is simultaneously no and every reason for this.


I'm telling you for the last time

Okay people, tell your family and friends, especially the older ones:


I understand that sometimes we need to write checks for rent, bills, etc. But to come to a store, well, to come to MY STORE and get mad AT ME because I need your driver's license, etc. before I can take your little ticket is way OUT OF LINE. It has been YEARS since stores have taken a check without some form of identification and even without writing your information down. So, I'm sorry if this little form of low-tech payment that you obviously cannot let go of -- for nostalgic reasons or simply because you are too lazy or uninclined to figure out how to work an ATM or a bank card (note: IT WORKS ALMOST LIKE A CREDIT CARD -- Magically deducting the amount from your bank account!) -- forces me, the low-wage bookstore clerk, to have to pick up a pen and actually write down your license number, date of birth, telephone number, and take precious seconds from your suburban life. I don't care if you come in here every single goddamn day. I do not know you from Elvis and I cannot remember your 10-digit ID number and date of birth. There is no easier way to take your check. YES, I do have to take your information, and NO I can't take your passport or Blockbuster card. YES, it will take a minute and NO, I do not have a "little machine" to "run the check through" that will save you 5 seconds. Yes, I do work here and yes, I do know the rules.

I do have a "little machine". It takes DEBIT CARDS. Punk.

Have your ID ready.


For Kevynn

And no one else...

And for the l-l-l-l-ladies...some Hotdamn Doyle...


You're safe. No really.

Self-Proclaimed Director of Down Home Security

I've defected. I'm now a Snapfish believer.
Here's what my office at the History Center looks like:

Ken Says Hey

My friend and co-worker Ken says:

"I just want to live, and love, and laugh."

Keep in mind, he teaches children as well.

More pictures of my life to follow.
If you live in Atlanta, and you are not a part of the newly formed Atlanta Dodgeball League, then your life cannot be complete.

E-mail me if you want in on the kneeslappin' fun.


Henceforth, I shall be known as an Angel, pseudonym coming soon:


Fight the real enemy

Who exactly is the anti-christ in this story?

*Thanks to Steve at The Mental Spigot for bringing this link to my attention.


Only stupid people are breeding

This is a "conversation" I heard in my bookstore today. I use the word "conversation" loosely because I seriously doubt this family could string together enough coherent sentences to call ANYTHING a conversation.

Mom: (to me) Do you have any books on imperialism?
Me: Not really. You could look in World History.
*at this point I walk away*
*a few minutes later*
Mom: (to daughter, who is lying on our dirty ass floor flipping through a magazine) Eva Lee you need to help me because this book report is due tomorrow. Okay, now what time period is imperialism?
Daughter: I don't know, Mom.
Mom: Is it like Marxism? Son, come over here. Now what do you think of when you hear the word imperialism?
Son: Greece. *I'm assuming the place, but he could have very easily and very believably meant "Grease" the movie.*
Mom: Did imperialism take place during Ancient Rome?

At this point I had to jump in and put an end to the idiot's suffering. I explained what imperialism was, how it was not a time period nor related in any way to Marxist theory, and then proceeded to pick out the book for the kid's homework.

Gee. If you're going to let your mom do your homework, she at least better be smarter than your average trash can.


Okay, I need some suggestions. I'm going to the yearly Communist Party a guy here at the Atlanta History Center has and am unsure of who to dress up as. I need your help, dear reader. I've picked out 3 but would like some other choices. Here are mine:

Mother Jones
La Pasionara

I thought maybe Nina Hartley (a known Communist), but I'm not sure I can get away with showing up nekkid or giving blow jobs at random. I will win prizes for best costume or most original. So, add your suggestions in the comment box!!!

My good friend K. Ken Johnston has come up with another genius idea:

BATTLE BABIES™: Maimed or damaged toy dolls commemorating bloody, violent wars throughout history. Collect them all!

Wow. Is that ever in bad taste. But funny as hell.

I think back to my audblog and wish I had done it entirely in my excellent Bobby Hill impersonation.


You could really be a Bow Brummel, baby, if you just give it half a chance

Men should know these 2 things, among others:

How to tie a Windsor

How to tie a bow

All the other crap you can figure out for yourself or, most likely, with the help of a woman.


I've updated my needs. My new engagement ring courtesy of Blue Nile is:

Shape and Cutting Style: Cut-Cornered rectangular modified brilliant
Weight: 3.87 carat
Clarity: Internally flawless
Color: D



Fuck that little rinky-dink Wal-Mart piece of tin. If you want my love you gotta spend the dough.

The Braves finally WON a game! They are now 1-3 for the season. TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!!

*sidesplitting laughter*

I love them anyway. I do.

Take me out to the ballgame
take me out to the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks
I don't care if I never get back

So it's ROOT ROOT ROOT for the home team
If they don't win it's a shame
Cause it's ONE, TWO, THREE strikes your out
At the ooooooooold baaaaaaaaaaall gaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!!!

God, I love baseball.


Okay, kids, I'm not going to post today because it's fucking 75 degrees out there, the sun is shining, birds are singing, and the dogs need to see the park.

Catch you fools on the next!



Alright, I was reading Let's Get Milk-Faced! and got a little crazy upon this suggestion and designed myself an engagement ring thanks to Walmart.com! I'm all set, kids...

Your Ring
Stone Shape: Princess
Center Stone Size: 1 carat
Color: H
Clarity: SI2
Ring Setting Style: Irresistible
Side Stones: 1/5 carat
Metal: 14k White Gold
Ring Size: 7
Total carat weight of this ring: 1 1/5 carat

Subtotal $4,498.00

2 months salary, that's all.

How about ugly celebrities?

Natasha Lyonne
Yasmine Bleeth
2, 2, 2 dorks in one
Richard Kiel
Bea Arthur
The Guy From Jefferson Starship

I've just had a brilliant idea.

Check back next week for a tour of my neighborhood, with your guide, my lovely dog Bigsby.

And by the way, have you seen this crazy shit?


Cheeks' latest rant proclaims I have "blotted [my] copybook" by telling Shanti I agreed on her choice of cute internet boys. That's all well and good, but someone tell me what exactly blotting [my] copybook means?

Is that similar to something going on my permanent record?

If you love ninjas like I love ninjas - and really, who DOESN'T love a good ninja? - take a look-see at this site dedicated to all things ninja.
And now for something completely different...

I present the Official Cheeks Blog Swap 2003:

OK, after my last Blog Swap I got scolded for not revealing personal details about myself. To which I answer: that's what my own site is for, I don't need to use other people's for that.

But I'll break that rule here and reveal some juicy gossip. And it has a connection to the pure and undying virtual love that I have for ATLSuperstar.

So: I have been out on dates with five different girls I met on the internet. I went through a bit of a crazy and lonely phase in the first few months of 2002 and decided that internet dating was the way forward. I won't go into massive detail here (for fear of them reading this), but they went as follows;

The first girl was great. Really, really cute and funny. I liked her a lot. Sadly, she was bi- and met another woman while I was away on holiday.

The second seemed really nice but some personal complications arose in my life and I couldn't be available for her.

The third was utterly unsuitable and we just went out once, at which point I pretended to be tired and went home.

The fourth was also really cute and funny, and I'm still in touch with her. I was the first man to kiss her. You may know her.

The fifth was very funny and interesting, and we saw each other a few times. However, we didn't keep in touch that often and I fell for someone else in the meantime. I didn't tell her, which was cowardly and mean of me.

If there is a moral to this story, it's this: Internet dating is just like real dating except you get to lie to someone even before you meet them. It can be a lot of fun. But nothing compares to getting a crush on a person you meet in the real world and having to put in the hard work it takes to get to know them properly.

Can I have my money now, please?


Alright...Cheeks will guest post tomorrow. Be prepared to feel the love.

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