I'm in the mood

For lists. Here is a list of songs that I harbor mad-crazy-rabid hate for. They are in no particular order, as I find them all equally offensive. Except, when on the occassion that I am forced to hear them because a.) I am in a car with someone who LOVES it, or b.) at a wedding, or c.) at karaoke, in which case I claim to "hate this song more than anything in the world".

1. Old Time Rock and Roll - Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band *Note: This may truly and actually be the song I hate more than anything in the world. I really, really, really, really LOATHE this song and want to strangle not only Bob Seger, but anyone that happens to be within arm's length at the unfortunate time of play.

2. Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money. One reason: "I feel a hunger. It's a hunger." Discussed earlier this evening as possibly the worst rock lyric ever. Edging out "I've seen a million faces, and I've rocked them all."

3. Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers. I'll give you 5 billion dollars if you can find out HOW THE HELL they got that title out of that musical stain.

4. Everything I Do I Do It For You - Bryan Adams. Everything I Do, I Do It To Kill The Rampant Memory of This Piss Poor Movie Theme.

5. Margaritaville - Jimmy Buffett. If I see a Parrothead, I will be forced to stab.

6. Oh Sherry - Steve Perry. You know that old saying "I can do bad by myself"? Prime example.

7. Proud to be an American - Lee Greenwood. This is almost the worst song ever written and for some reason people are not embarrassed to play it and sing it as loud and proud as possible. Hearing it makes me want to not just take the land back, but burn it down.

8. With Arms Wide Open - Creed. Why does Scott Stapp think he's Jesus?

9. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely - Backstreet Boys. A sampling of the lyrics should prove my case:

Show me the meaning of being lonely
So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze upon me
Guilty roads to an endless love (endless love)
There's no control
Are you with me now?
Your every wish will be done
They tell me

Do these make sense to ANYONE? It sounds like they put a bunch of words into a random lyric generator and then put them to a casio keyboard, with a bunch of drum machine pyrotechnics and vocal gymnastics. I want to cut their tongues out.

This list is making me violent. Join me tomorrow when I list Actresses I Hate, But For Some Reason Everyone Else Loves.

Currently reading: Don't Know Much About The Civil War
Currently listening to: Rufus and Chaka Khan
Currently hating: bad music


All hail the mighty state

This week, I'll be in the great state of Texas, the wonderful city of Houston, judging bar-b-que and drinking beer with my family and The Man I Plan To Marryâ„¢. See y'all in a week!

Currently reading: 100 Years of Solitude Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Currently listening to: World Without Tears Lucinda Williams

Currently hating: breast cancer


To Paraphrase Shanti, the funniest teenqueen I know


OU 64
UT 13

Yeah, bitches.
That's all I need, too!

Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you.

I don't need anything except this and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray.

And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that's all I need.

And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too.

I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this! And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.


All this and lamps, too

If you don't know by now how crafty I am, check out this lampshade I made last night. Anyone who wants a lamp expressly made for you can send me $10 U.S.D. [money order or traveller's checks only...or gambling chips] and I will get around to it whenever I feel like it.


Baby, baby do it to me, rock me

This has been bugging me for a little while [about 15 years] and I've really just got to put it out there. Not to speak ill of the dead and all, but Austrian pop sensation Falco was just really full of himself, no?

People's Exhibit A:

1756, Salzburg, January 27, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is born
1761, at the age of five Amadeus begins composing
1773, he writes his first piano concerto
1782, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart marries Constance Weber
1784, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart becomes a free mason
1791, Mozart composes "The Magic Flute"
On December 5th of that same year, Mozart dies
1985, Austrian rock singer Falco records
Rock Me Amadeus!

It's a nice, short chronology of the life of probably the world's greatest musical genius. It's pretty accurate. Truncated, but accurate. The song is awful, but, to be fair, dated and reflective of a time when Falco may have been considered on the forefront or verge of some fleeting musical era. Although, it's not the existence of the song itself that bothers me so much. It's what's missing from it.

People's Exhibit B:

1791, Mozart composes "The Magic Flute"
On December 5th of that same year, Mozart dies
1985, Austrian rock singer Falco records
Rock Me Amadeus!

Notice, that between the years 1791 and 1985, according to Falco, NOTHING GREAT OR IMPORTANT HAPPENS IN MUSIC. It's as if music as the world knew it died with Mozart. December 5th, 1791, all music stops. There was a gaping hole in music for almost 200 hundred years and finally FINALLY! Falco came to our rescue.

THANK GOD that in 1985 AUSTRIAN ROCK SINGER FALCO RECORDED ROCK ME AMADEUS! Where would we be without ROCK ME AMADEUS? What would have happened had Falco not recorded that little slice of cake?

Might we have been listening to The Magic Flute or The Marriage of Figaro or the unfinished Requiem for the nth time wondering why and god how?!?! all music just dropped away, flailing through sound and space half-written or not at all?

I'm not sure what kind of people Falco surrounded himself with. Probably asskissers and yes-men who lived to stroke and satiate his egotistical appetite, but I am sure that in my life I have never heard anybody, much less everybody say "Rock me Amadeus" that was not in reference to the ridiculous and outright stupid Falco pop-masturbation-piece. **

As I said, not to speak ill of the dead, but I just had to put that out there. Thanks for your attention.

**If while you were reading this paragraph you quietly whispered or mouthed the words "Rock me Amadeus", then Falco's work here was not in vain. Yeah, thanks for perpetuating the madness.


Goodbye, Nicky Hale.

You are already missed.

You have done nothing but make me laugh since we were in middle school. You were the reason I never skipped that class after lunch.

I wish I would have hugged you longer the last time I saw you. I wish I would have gone to hang out with you all that night. I wish I would have told you how fucking great you really were. I haven't seen you in a year, but I wish I didn't have to miss you now so permanently. I wish someone could have saved you from yourself.

This is the first time you have made me cry, but you will always, always make me laugh.

Rest peacefully, and continue to joke about us all.

Nicky Hale 1976-2003

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